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  • TheIndiGypsy

Having a Bad Day?

Sometimes being told to 'cheer up' feels like a punch to the face...

I want to write about a bad day. It wasn’t a bad day because of the weather, it’s actually a beautiful day weather wise! The sun in shining, it is still on the waters, no wind to tussle leaves just birds that jump from branch to branch. This day exists, but not inside my head...

I, like a lot of you can fall into a hole of dark, messy, muddy bullsh** that feels like you’ll never find your way out. Nothing feels good, clothes feels like plastic bags suffocating your body, there is a metal ball that weighs down your belly and has the ability to get VERY hot or VERY cold in a matter of moment affecting how you feel. Your chest feels like a small human is bouncing on it- sometimes in relief then most of the time the impending jolt from hell.

You can’t explain the feeling, but you try and you can describe it as feeling dirty, messy, no matter how many times you shower. You know there is a list of things for you to do but when you attempt to get started, you don’t know where the start line is. You procrastinate, wonder, lose focus, get up and down 10000 times and have consumed more cups of tea than the Queen of freaking England does in a year. Your mind distracts, searches for gratification, satisfaction opportunities. So, then the brain picks out the habits you’ve been working on removing, the self-hate, blame, hurtful behavior, could be alcohol, drugs whatever it is that is your vice. Your head feels like you can’t settle, the wave of noise getting louder and your will power abilities diminishing each time you gather the strength to walk away and breathe.

You try to signal help- but fear that if you put up the red flag you will appear defeated. You say you’re having a ‘bad day’ but what you really want to say is ‘I feel like I am under water with an oxygen tank that has a blockage so I can hardly breathe. I don’t know who I am, what I want, how to start, who to talk to or why I don’t feel comfortable in whatever this is.’

If you are here, I get it, I get you. Instead of telling you ‘oh it’s okay’ I’m actually going to say it fu**ing sucks man! Up sh** creek without a paddle, but what I will say it is in these moments where you can actually learn more about yourself, get to know your darkness. I learnt about some more triggers that I have that I didn’t know I had in times like these, triggers I can learn to manage or avoid.

If you are fighting through a shit day, week, month or moment and feel like you need to reach out, please do. It really helps to talk to someone, though I know talking to someone and admitted you ‘have not got your shit together’ is terrifying. I am forever the queen of being a composed ass mother fu*** but inside I feel like an 85-year-old on acid that is using is convinced they are a superhero due to the adult diapers.

I’m here for you, we all are...


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