Is it a 'loneliness'? I preach about connection and here I am, questioning why I feel sticky, want to pull myself out of my skin, struggling to breathe or focus as I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.
I go to work each day, talk with people I know well and strangers, I am in their space for long periods of time, it’s apart of what I do. I talk with my mum regularly and it’s usually me calling her, but I don’t know what I want from the conversation, other than just to be ‘connected’ to another human. I go home to my life, my partner, my dogs and overwhelmed with obligations, jobs and things to do – I get lost in the need for connection and find that when I go looking for it, its not on a wavelength that wants to be heard.
I guess some women feel like this some days? The expectations of how we ‘just get on with it’ and tasks that are somehow ‘assigned’ to us. Even the general enthusiasm about anything that interests you in regards to another party sometimes just doesn’t exist. How do you fuel your own fire without feeling like you are drowning in the waters of all this you want to create and at the same time signal for help? When the only ‘aid’ that arrives adds another level to keep you further below the surface.
I feel tired, run down and not in control of my body. It keeps changing on me when I keep trying to support it. I don’t feel like I have control of my system and when my mind recognizes this and send me into panic mode- the walls come tumbling in, though I smile, ‘I’m great!, how are you?’ and hope that this wave will soon roll out onto the shore and allow the tide to take it away.
Enjoying all the conjunctions and presence of planetary madness and truly just rolling around in the mud it has gifted.
This season of intensity sure has taken the squeeze to a new level.
Love and other things. x